It’s 2019

The new year for me usually begins with a flurry of things to do. Things to get in order so that the year will begin smoothly. New thoughts flood my mind and become seed thoughts for things to write. It didn’t happen. It was only the second time in years that I didn’t spend the early hours of the new year in church and worshiping and praying. There was a valid reason for not going – but – there you have it the “but.” The normal for me was out of order and it seemed that nothing else would line up correctly.

What brought order back into focus was my personal time spent with God. That has not changed through the years. Each year I begin a new yearly devotional book, change the color of pens I use to mark important passages. This year two books along with my Bible are what starts my personal time spent in His presence.

While reading in “Come Away My Beloved” by Frances J. Roberts this one passage brought clarity and what is important for me this year. I share it with you and maybe it will help you.

I have changed it from the “King James English” (which I love to read) to make it easier reading.

GOD ASKS OF ME:

To Give:        So He can bless me more 
To Pray:        So He can respond and help me 
To Rejoice:     So I am kept from being swallowed in anxiety
To Be Humble:   So I am protected from calamities that happen to the proud 
To Forgive:     So that I can receive His forgiveness

“Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts, published by Barbour Publishing, Inc. 

If these five things guide my life through 2019 I will truly be blessed and will grow in my spiritual life.

I welcome 2019 and anticipate all that God has instore for me this year.

(16)

It is that time of the year.  Boxes long stored away are pulled out of storage ready for their contents to deck the halls for Christmas.  The tree is up and its branches ready to be laden with treasured ornaments.  Each ornament placed on the tree evokes a memory of all the Christmas’ that have taken place through my years.

The real tree has been replaced by an artificial one but as I place the pole, yes, a pole not a trunk, I remember picking out trees at my Uncle Bill’s gas station.  He always sold trees. We always seemed to pick the tree that had the proverbial hole, you know the one where no branches grew.  It was turned to the back of the wall and covered with tinsel.  In our house the tree stood with nothing on it – just waiting for Santa to decorate it and put presents under the tree.  Every Christmas morning there it was arrayed in splendor.  The most beautiful tree ever.  Later we were told that Santa had so many trees to decorate since we were older we could help, and we did.

Laughter, squeals of joy float through my memory of Christmas’ with my kids.  Waiting for them to fall asleep so we, or I should say me, could begin my gift wrapping.  I still can’t remember why I thought every stocking stuffer needed to be wrapped. A special dinner, cookies everywhere and Christmas cards placed just so.  The children’s program at church, the choir cantata and snow, lots of snow. (The real stuff)

The kids are now adults with families of their own and traditions they have made for their families.  I still remember the traditions of things that had to be done just a certain way.

To say that Christmas is different now is true.  We traded snow for palm trees adorned with festive lights.  We walk outside in bare feet to get the paper to see all the special ads calling us to buy endless things we don’t need.  The decorations are up, and the tree is in place while the memories have been rehearsed in my mind.  There are not as many decorations this year because I have run out of energy.  The cookie count seems to get smaller each year and the variety is scaled down.

Grandpa and I will spend a quiet Christmas and sleep in. (No little ones to wake us.)  We have grown old together and each Christmas that we share becomes special.

One day I will spend Christmas with the reason for the season.  I will transition from earthly life to everlasting life with Jesus Christ in my heavenly home.  I will be able to do this because” God wrapped divinity in humanity, laid him in a manger only to hang on a cross to forgive me of my sins.” (Z. Dodd)

This Christmas I am reminded that Jesus Christ is the best present given, past, present and future.

(16)

Have you ever noticed on a tombstone, at least very old ones, the year a person was born is chiseled in the stone, then comes a dash and finally the year the person died.  When I see this I am reminded that between the years, the dash represents a whole lot of living.

I love the verse in scripture that says:   I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalms 37:25. This is true for me.  I have been young and today I am old but in between the young and the old there was a whole span of “messy in the middle.”

This quote says “ah, youth- it is a pity to waste it on the young.”  I don’t know who said this but I certainly can relate.  My childhood was dysfunctional but at the time I didn’t know it.  I just thought it was normal.  I loved making things, playing in the dirt and all the activities that accompany childhood.

Somewhere in between the beginning of my teen years and the age I am today there was a whole lot of messy.  My parents worked and we would have probably been considered poor but what we were was normal to me.  Mom was a nurse and dad was a panel electrician.  Church was a given at least for my mother, sister and me.  My father was- well my father, depending on circumstances attended church or didn’t attend.  Life at home could be calm and in an instant it seemed everything was turned upside down.  Messy fits concerning my life.

I left home at 17 to attend Bible College and Seminary.  My father drove me to the campus that was 1500 miles from my home. He pulled up, dumped my stuff on the sidewalk, got in the car and said have a nice life and promptly drove off.  I so wanted to cry but refused.  I had no idea where to go or what to do next.  I didn’t even have answers for the finance office until I called my mom at home.  In the 4 year period there were peaks and valleys.  I sang in the band vocal chorus and then for 3 years traveled with the college choir.  How I managed to pay for all the extra is a testimony to God’s provision.

I fell in love got engaged – oops broken engagement.  The next year I met someone and the courtship was combination of hills and valleys but we finally married and set out to pastor our first church.  It would take pages and pages to tell about the happenings.  We went on to pastor 8 churches in 7 states.  During this time I learned that not all Christians were –well I will leave that to your imagination.  I can tell you there were many nights I cried myself to sleep.  There were times of no food in the cupboards and no money in the bank.  When you are hungry you really learn how to pray.

As young married couple we survived a head on crash in a VW Bug and lived to tell about it. After the crash, I checked myself out of the hospital because we had no health insurance.  We had been driving to a church to candidate for the position of pastor.  My husband was going to call and tell them He couldn’t come but I told him to go.  He placed a roll away bed by the phone (that was when phones were mounted on the wall) and I sent my husband off 200 miles away.  I said I would call if I needed him. If I needed help I had the phone nearby.  My husband took off in a rented car (ours could not be driven) to candidate for the church, I survived, and by the way we got the church.

The doctors said I probably should not have kids and they would be surprised if I would be able to conceive.  Surprise, even though they thought I could not become pregnant I did. I lost the baby but in a short time I found I was expecting again.  We had 3 children and they arrived one right after the other.  The family now consisted of mommy, daddy, 2 girls and one son.

During the early years of marriage we managed to survive croup, chicken pox, measles and mumps.  Their teen years saw me on my knees often.  It is a wonder the kids survived.  Messy, oh yes –pastor’s kids are supposed to be perfect – mine were not.

Middle age brought about other messes.  I found myself in the unusual situation of having a marriage that was in trouble.  It was over I thought, where was God?  Again I am amazed that God can pick up the pieces of a broken life a broken marriage and put it all back together again and restore what the devil tried to destroy.

Messy – oh yes the middle of my life was certainly anything but calm or normal.  Each of my middle years brought new challenges and more opportunities to trust my Heavenly Father.  Was I the picture of faith and belief?  I wish I could say yes to that but often I found myself praying or maybe screaming at God.  He is ever patient and I am glad he did not call down thunder and hail upon me.  Ever patient, ever caring, He listed as I cried and saw each tear shed.

Now I am old, and I can tell you the scripture I quoted in the beginning is true.  I learned to stand on the promises of God and though at times I wondered and it seemed like hope was gone God was faithful.  He did not forsake me and I have learned that every promise in the Bible is mine.  I learned to live by faith even when I could not see the results.  I am still doing this every day.

I don’t know how I got to this age. (Lol) I am not claiming old, maybe seasoned but not old. Things have settled down a little and the major messes of the middle years have passed.  Do I still have problems; do I still have to daily stand on His word and trust Him?  Yes! Yes!!!

My future is as bright as God’s promises.  The older I get the more I look forward to that day when I shall see Him face to face.  Don’t get me wrong I want to live every day to the fullest.  I will take every day that God allows me but now heading into the sunset years I know He is always near.

I know in whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him.  One day all the messy parts of life will end and I will be home at last

(21)

Walking the dog early in the morning the words of an old hymn floated through my mind.  It wasn’t long before my voice joined with my mind and I began to sing softly.

“Mercy there was great and grace was free, pardon there was multiplied to me. There my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary.”   By William Reed and Daniel B. Tower

 Wow!  That’s it. In the one short stanza was everything I needed. Mercy, grace, pardon and liberty are needed not just once in my life but these are needed on a daily basis.

Mercy:  Refraining from harming or punishing offenders, enemies.  It can mean kindness in excess of what is expected, fairness, forbearance and compassion.  There are other meanings but reading these definitions caused rejoicing in my soul because this is exactly what I received from Jesus when I came to him.

If Jesus extended these to me, should I not also extend them to those in my circle of influence?  Fairness, forbearance, compassion, and kindness are within my power to grant but there are times I don’t.  What a scale to measure me by.

Grace:  The unmerited love and favor of God toward man.  Believe it or not, I found this definition when I looked up grace in the dictionary.  Amazing.

Often I have heard grace described as “God’s riches at Christs expense.”  The more I think about that statement the more I am humbled.  God so loved me that He sent His son to to die for my sins.  That’s love.

Pardon:  To release from further punishment, to cancel from or not exact a penalty and to excuse or forgive.

My sins are pardoned and I receive eternal life and not eternal punishment.  My sins are not held to my account since Jesus wiped my slate clean.  I am a new creature in Christ Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new. 

 Liberty: Freedom or release from.

How rich I am in Christ Jesus.  Scripture tells us whom the Son sets free is free indeed.  Free from the guilt of tomorrow and the guilt of my past.  Free from my sins and transgression.  I have been liberated from those things that held me chained to my past and free to walk in the light of God’s love.

None these things, mercy, grace, pardon, and liberty are taken for granted.  I need them every day. Fully human I make mistakes and sin.  I need to come to my Heavenly Father and He is faithful to impart what I need.

The first 7 words of the last stanza sum it all up. “O the love that drew salvations plan.”

(26)

When did this happen?  It can’t be possible but it is.  The reflection looking back at me is older and looked tired.  How did that happen?  Silly question, you know how that happens and yet, somehow none of us want to believe we are getting older.  We want to believe that we will beat the odds, and in somehow we will find the fountain of youth, the elixir to make us forever young.

There is much to say about youth.  It is a time you approach everything with vigor and an optimistic outlook and you believe nothing is really impossible if you try.  Fondly I remember those days.  All I needed to succeed was for someone to tell me I couldn’t do something and it was a guarantee that I could.  I would prove them wrong.  In most circumstances I did just that and in other times – well with age I have forgotten or refuse to remember. Some of the years have been kind and others, I am glad they are on the completed side of the balance sheet.

My mind still believes I am young and can do anything I did at twenty.  Who am I trying to kid, I will be lucky if I can accomplish what I did when I was forty.  The hair is not gray thanks to the hairdresser and what ever magic mix she uses.  The wrinkles are there but the makeup helps to disguise them, at least for a few hours.  I look back in the mirror, and I try and remember the girl that stood before the mirror with so many hopes, dreams, and ambitions.  Walking down memory lane reveals some dreams realized, plans completed but as I round the turn of my memory bank it reveals the bone yard of failed ambitions and dashed hopes. I wonder if it has all equaled out.  Was it worth it and if it wasn’t then what was the alternative.  The old saying is “hindsight is always twenty – twenty.”  How true. You would have, maybe you should have, but reality says it is to no avail because the past is set in stone and cannot be changed.

The verse in scripture says, forgetting those things which are behind……so I try to learn from the mistakes made.  It does no good to wallow in the past either good or bad.  For better or worse the past is just that it is the past.

Inside of me a voice screams, I have so much to do, I can’t be old but another voice soon joins the chorus and answers, “yes you are and you are tired.  You can’t be twenty or thirty anymore. Reality drops like a thud and I must accept the stage of life I am at.  Ecclesiastes tells us there is a season and a time for everything.  This is my season at this time.

As I grow older I understand my mother and how she must have felt.  With age comes a perspective not found in youth. Even in the sunset years there is beauty.  There are still things to look forward to that are great.  You are free from the constraints that once bound you.  You are not afraid to go with out makeup and maybe your hair is not perfect.  So what if you don’t finish what you started.  You sometimes indulge in that extra piece of chocolate.

At this time in my life I am beginning to deal with the reality that I am not immortal and there will be an end.  Death no longer looms so far away but is a blessing that will come.  When death comes I shall pass from this earthly existence and transcend to the eternal home prepared by my Heavenly Father. He is waiting to welcome His child home.  At this age in life my thoughts turn more toward heaven and wondering, “what will it be like, what will I see, how will I feel and all the other thoughts that trigger my contemplating heaven. Just like the song says “I can only Imagine.”

In the end, I want to be able to say “I have run the course, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  In that last and final breath my spirit and soul will sprint to the finish line where there awaits for me the crown of eternal life.

(118)

I love the old hymns and songs we sang in church as I grew up.  Today I love the new music that inspires us as we worship.  I am still drawn to these hymns and songs.  I share the titles of them with you and maybe you will recall them and the message they had.

I LOVE TO TELL THE STORY – Arabella Catherine Hankey  This song reminds me that I love hearing the stories of Jesus and I never tire of learning more about my Savior.

A NEW NAME IN GLORY – C. Austin Miles  The first line says it all.  “I was once a sinner.”

AMAZING GRACE – John Newton, John P. Reese  It was truly God’s amazing grace that reached down to a young girl and saved her soul and set her on a path of living for and serving God.

THE OLD RUGGED CROSS – George Bennard   These words so well known, lets me know the price Jesus paid for my sin.  For me these words truly express how I feel.  “So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross…”

SINCE JESUS CAME INTO MY HEART –Rufus H. McDaniel  The first verse describes exactly what happens when we accept Christ as our Savior.  “What a wonderful change in my life has been wrought since Jesus came into my heart.”

TRUSTING JESUS – Edgar Page Stites  I love the first line because it simply states how to walk in our life. “Simply trusting every day, trusting thro’ a stormy way, Even when my faith is small, Trusting Jesus that is all.”

SAVIOR LIKE A SHEPHERD LEAD US –Dorothy A. Thrupp   Words in this song assure me I am not alone and that I am cared for.  The words of “Savior like a shepherd lead us, much we need thy tender care” help me understand that He is there directing my path.

PRECIOUS LORD TAKE MY HAND – Thomas A. Dorsey  “Precious Lord take my hand, lead me on help me stand – I am tired, I am weak, I am worn..”lets me know whatever circumstances I face, the Lord is holding my hand and I will make it.

FAITH IS THE VICTORY – John H. Yates  This is how I walk my Christian life, by faith.  The last sentence of the first verse says it all.  “ Faith is the victory we know, that overcomes the world.”

There are so many songs that tell the story and I could fill pages but the final one I list tells me where I will be when my life comes to an end.

WHEN WE ALL GET TO HEAVEN – Eliza E. Hewitt  The first line of the chorus tells me exactly where I will be when my life come to an end. “When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

I am looking forward to that day.  Maranatha!

(88)

There she was again.  I watched as she walked up the front walk to ring the doorbell.  What would I say to her that would help? The look in her eyes told me how troubled the past year had been.  Breathing a silent prayer for help, I asked that in some way I might lighten the heavy load she carried.

Mugs on the table, filled with the wafting aroma of coffee freshly brewed were ready.  Cookies on the plate waited to be dunked in that warm brown liquid.  I waited for her to start.  I knew her mind was whirling with thoughts of where to begin.

After dispensing with the “pleasant” conversation about kids, house, spouse the real reason for her being there started tumbling out.

“I don’t know where I belong and I don’t know what my purpose is,” she said.  “What do you mean,” I asked?  She wanted to trust me with her hurts but it was hard for her to be transparent.  She had been hurt by those she had trusted in before.  Sharing her deepest feelings with a particular person she had once trusted turned around to bite her in the back.  It was as if a dagger had been inserted into her heart and the betrayal was more than she wanted to remember.

I waited a long time, minutes seemed like hours, and finally out came all the things she had been holding inside.

“I can’t really trust anyone.  Everyone thinks I have it all together and I don’t.”

She was the one people turned to for help.  She was the one that prayed and read scripture with them.  They never knew she had weak moments.  Her doubts and feelings of emptiness were well hidden.  She was the spiritual rock.  Everyone knew her story and she was admired for overcoming so many things, but had she?

Kids gone, change of location, and retirement left her feeling adrift.  There was nothing to anchor her.  She felt used up and tossed away.  Reality said that was not true but she felt that any way.

She watched as others achieved goals, goals she wanted to achieve but were delayed by circumstances beyond her control.  Angry, frustrated, devalued, that’s what she thought of herself.

I listened.  Praying silently that somehow I could penetrate this wall she built around herself.

She loved people, she really did but so afraid that if they got too close she would lose again and the cycle would repeat.  The load she carried now was enough she didn’t need more added guilt.

She spoke and said, “I let resentment knock at my door.  I let “him” in and he brought a host of other friends.  Doubt, jealousy, Mr. Inadequate showed up and he brought seeds of bitterness to plant in her life.   I don’t want this but the more I pray the more I try to surrender it seems these unwelcome guests become entrenched and comfortable.  I’ve almost given up on trying,” she said. “I know they are not pleasing to my Heavenly Father but I am becoming comfortable with them and afraid they will never leave.”

She became silent and let the salty tears flow into the cold coffee.

Again, breathing a silent pray, I choose my words carefully.  “You are not alone in this.  I have talked with others that feel this same way.  One reason or another has brought them to the same place you are.

I want to tell you that your Heavenly Father loves you so much.  You are not a failure in His eyes.  You are walking the path He has set for you and when you think you have failed, and if you did, He gently draws you back to himself.  Even when we justify the way we feel, and maybe we have or think we have a good reason, the Father still cares.

“Those feelings are there, and maybe we don’t want to give them up but ask the Father to help you be willing to surrender,” I said. “Tell Him you can’t love those that hurt you but ask Him to help you to be willing to love.”

The battle is never easy.  The enemy of your soul wants nothing more than to distract and destroy what God is trying to accomplish in your life.  Ask God to send you a true friend, one that you can trust.  When you experience those feelings rise up call the friend God sent and pray together.  It may take time but as we surrender to God all of the areas of our life He will come and make us into the vessel He has called us to be.

Those feeling cannot stay as God moves into your life and consumes you.

In Acts 17:28(ERV) it says:

It is through him that we are able to live, to do what we do, and to be who we are… We all come from him.

If you feel like this I want you to know God cares and He loves you.

(78)